I’m leaving for India in seven days. SEVEN DAYS! When I booked the trip in January, I never thought time would go this quickly. I am extremely excited because it will be a proper adventure – I mean, our first week plans include hiking up to the Himalayas to this tiny town that is inaccessible by car and which only gets electricity for about five hours per day. Like I said, adventure.
Now I survived Australia for almost a year. The popular rumour has it that everything can kill you in Australia, and what can’t, will still try its damnest, so I wasn’t too worried when Ben started spamming me with pictures of all the things that could kill us in India. (Not even the huge-ass crocodile-looking giant lizard thing made me quiver. Much.) Then he started talking about how wild dogs with rabies attack people in Delhi on a daily basis. Then I saw on a blog that Delhi is so polluted I’d be sneezing black snot after twenty-four hours.
Then I remembered the earthquakes in Nepal. Nepal is right next to India. Also, it’s the monsoon season. I think we’re going to die in both mudslides AND floods.
What about the food? I’ve never had much spicy food. I bet it’s not gonna be like the Chinese take-away I used to sometimes get in my home town after a movie. What if I can’t eat anything in five weeks? What if I burn my mouth so badly on day one I will be physically unable to? Then the only thing I can eat is fruit, and actually, I can’t even eat that, because it will have weird bacteria in it unless I can peel it. Bananas. I will live on bananas for five weeks. Even monkeys don’t love bananas that much.
What about when the Delhi Belly strikes? Indians use squat toilets. Why on EARTH does anyone want to use squat toilets? I know it’s supposed to be all healthy for your digestion and all but how healthy is it really when I fall in? How healthy, huh? Don’t think I haven’t seen that one scene in Slumdog Millionaire.
What if my shoes fall apart on day one and I can’t find comfortable new ones? Do Indians even make shoes my size? Seriously guys, what is the average Indian shoe size, I need to know. I have other wardrobe worries as well. I have stocked up on genie pants and skirts in advance but what kind of bag am I supposed to carry so I don’t get surreptitiously robbed blind? I have literally googled what kind of pyjamas I should have with me.
What if I get altitude sickness in the mountains? What if I twist my ankle? What if I twist my ankle BEFORE the trip? Can I hike in the Himalayas with crutches? What if I get malaria although it shouldn’t be a problem where we are going? What if I don’t learn to cross the bustling streets and I will forever be stuck on the other side of the street? What if Putin kidnaps me during my 18 hour layover in Moscow? I mean I know I’m allowed to be there without a visa up to 24 hours but what if my connecting flight is horribly late? What if some weird Indian cult is into red hair and sacrifices me to Ganesh and the friends? What if the maharajah asks me to his palace for a dinner party and I have nothing decent to wear? What if it rains alllllll the time and I have a miserable time? What if I have such a good time that I cry when I leave?
But Hakuna Matata, right? Right?
Having said all this, I meant very little of it, really. Well, maybe the part about the toilets. I have been counting days till I’m on that plane, making sure I’ve got everything I need and trying and gloriously failing to pronounce Indian names. I’ll keep you guys updated.